A Mother's Heartache

Last night our daughter talked with us about her ex-boyfriend. Her dad was present for part of the conversation & I was present for it all. She broke up with him in January of this year. She had been struggling to do so for about a year prior to doing so. I knew something was up right about the time of the break-up, but it was three weeks before she let me know.

The break-up occured at the start of semester & she put in a difficult four months though she was able to maintain a 4.00 GPA (A's & A+'s.) I'm not sure how she pulled that off because her stress level was off the charts.

Her boyfriend (just a little over two years) really had not been a jerk that she could ever see. Her dad & I were very concerned about him from the start because he domonstrated no ambition & his energy level didn't match hers at all. I was also concerned that being too young to realize it, she was in a way, his counsellor.

Unfortuantely, after the break-up the young man fell apart emotionally & as a result, started to emotionally taunt her, verbally abuse her & stalk her. He also engaged their mutual friends in this attack on our daughter.

When she shared in the spring, the details, her dad & I were very upset. We were very close to calling the police & reporting him. As it turned out, he eventually apologized for his behaviour & we thought it was over. We were very relieved. (As it turned out, this was just he honeymoon phase. If you've worked in abuse, you know what the 'honeymoon phase' is. I can explain it later, if you'd like me to.)

Last night, she shared more of the story. She's home for the summer & the ex lives only two blocks away. She avoids him, though living in the same town means they have crossed paths a little. The last situation involved him following her home after a baseball game in May. She dropped her friend off & he came up behind her flashing his car lights & waving his arms like a madman. She ignored him & promptly came home.

She has lost almost all of her friends over this because they have all taken the side of the ex. They tell her she broke his heart & that she was in the wrong. As I sat & listened, I was sickened.

How sad. An intelligent maturing young woman grows to understand that a relationship has run it's course & it was over. She ends the relationship. The right thing to do for both of them. Then the ex goes abusive on her & the friends don't get it or see it. They keep saying, you were wrong & look how you've hurt him.

Finally last night I passionately said: "I don't get it! Why do they keep saying this? What, they want you to get back with him? They think there's a chance? It's over. My goodness, a young woman decides a relationship is over & the friends tell her she's wrong?" (I haven't taken the time to write this out beforehand, so pardon me if it appears disconnected & all over the place. I'm so angry.)

Her dad & I are very concerned. We are livid! Here she is at home, trying to calm herself after a rough year & he's here & apparently continuing to taunt her. She should be relaxing (though her summer job keeps her very busy) & enjoying a breather. Instead, last night, she opens up about the fall. Already she's stressed about returning to school in the same city where he will be living in the fall.

This is driving me crazy. Even as I type I feel like I'm losing my mind. I've worked with & counselled abused women. Our daughter's education is in social work. She's at the top of her class & because of that has obtained a position in mental health (a prestigious position & not given to just any student, you have to come highly recommened by your teachers.)

Here's what drives me crazy. In typical fashion our daughter, the abused is scared to death to report him or have us report him because the abuse will get worse! OMG, where have I heard THAT before!? Yes, from the mouths of every single woman ever abused. 'You don't understand, it will get worse, you don't understand, he'll be all sweet & wonderful to everyone else & no one will believe me & then they will abuse me, you don't understand, he'll kill me." Time out for some tears. Damn...all these years helping the abused, educating my daughter, her helping others & crap, the shit has hit the fan with our own daughter. And you know, she's right.

The abuser does go stark raving nuts when they are outed. Look at how many women get restraining orders & end up dead within a week or two of the order taking effect! Wow, big hunky doo doo, that restraining order did piddly squat to protect her. I know countless women who reported abuse & telling the police did nothing to help their cause.

I cannot believe that I so easily feel powerless. I think, damn, look at that, he's got us.

Thanks for letting me share this. I've got to stop writing for now. I'll be back.

Introducing Zoe

Hi everyone. This is me. I'm a 49 year old human being that happens to be inhabiting a woman's body. Lucky me! *Big Grin* In love & married to him for 28 years. Mother of two young adult children who are busy finishing & getting degrees. We are looking forward to the empty nest!

My current interests are writing, gardening, motorcycling, knitting/crocheting & living. Some current issues are being 49 years old, & feeling caught between the emancipation that comes with that age, peri-menopause & wondering where I put my brain. *Sigh* Eternal issues of interest involve humankind, abuse, & issues relating to women, especially within a religious context.

For several days I have been trying to write something totally awe-inspiring. I have pages of stuff written here. I'm not connecting any dots though. Blame it on the peri-menopause & the loss of cognitive function. :-)

I would like to thank Stellar for the invite & I look forward to participating here.

We are so different, yet we are all women

We have a great start here ladies. I don't know very much about most of you, and I know you don't know much about me. I do know we are geographically dispersed and that we come from different backgrounds and age groups. That much was by design. There are still a handful of invitations pending, but in the meantime I thought it would be nice for each of us to share a little about who we, where we are from and what drives us (our passions, interests, etc.).

I am 34 years old, I have four children, live in the DC area in the United States, and I just started a small business doing design/layout work and writing services.

I grew up in the Midwest, married at 16 years old, and had my first child by the time I was 18. I was raised in a very conservative home and went to a very conservative church. Somehow in the midst of all of this, I still had a strong will and couldn't accept the idea that men were any better than me just because I was a female.

My husband was not the type that would try to rule my life, though parts of the patriarchal system did find its way into him as much as it did me. We both stayed very true to our religious roots by serving in our church, serving as missionaries, and by starting our own church. In time though, we both couldn't reconcile our conscience with certain teachings in the bible, so we have moved away from fundamental christianity. I don't really claim to be anything right now, but my spiritual journey is long from over.

In the process of this spiritual evolution, I realized how much christianity, judaism, and islam oppresses women. I went back to school when the kids were all out of the house and started seeing the world through the eyes of a woman with lots of potential - instead of a slave expected to take care of her lord and his kids. Now I have a world of possibilities just waiting for me and I want to share this world with as many women as possible. That is why I started my site, newsparade.com, and the reason for this blog.

I'd love to hear something from each of you as well. For this little adventure be sure to post your thoughts as a new post (using your blogger dashboard) and not as just a comment to this one, that way your story is on the home page for all to easily read. Feel free to share as much or as little about yourself as you want.

For future reference, be sure to post your thoughts, articles, essays, or whatever on women's issues/interests as frequently as you want and share your comments on the posts from our other participants. We are here to support and challenge each other and other women. There is no pressure to be anything except yourself and to do what makes you feel comfortable. We are the ones who decide how to mold this blog, and with all of our great minds, I can see this going in a million wonderful directions.

Regards,
Stella

Are you ready to defend your rights?

Rallying women to fight for their rights is no easy task. There are some women who underestimate the importance of the cause and simply mark it off as being a waste of time. There are others who are ignorant of their rights altogether and take it for granted that they can vote (for instance), should they even want to vote. Also, there are women who are still trapped in the patriarchal system because they have been taught that submitting to a man is godly and right. These are the ones who snub their noses at the very activists that helped women achieve the measure of freedoms and rights enjoyed today.

We need to get the word out. We need to let women know that they have an essential role to play in the continued development and protection of their rights. One thing is for sure, this is definitely not a one woman job. I believe it's time for us to start banding together again in one focused and concerted effort for our own rights and the rights of our daughters.

My attempts at finding a way to get involved in a feminist group or organization have been frustrating to say the least. There's not a whole lot to choose from and many of the groups that are out there are either un-organized or not active. While I'm sure thriving feminist groups do exist, I just haven't been able to locate one yet (aside from Planned Parenthood, of course).

Therefore, I thought this blog could be a great way to start bringing feminist thought and energy together in one place. My hope is to see a group of diverse women, of all ages and backgrounds, gather together for discussion, brainstorming and activism. Ladies, no one else is going to fight this battle for us. This is our fight and we have to be trained and ready to take on anything that stands between us and equality. When intelligent, strong and capable women unite in one cause, there is nothing we can't do.

Are you ready to defend your rights? Can you make a viable contribution to a blog for women? If so, welcome to Feminism Online...